This is Not A Sad Story

This is not a sad story.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the past 20 years. Yup, I’m old and for that I am grateful. At that time I did not know or understand depression. The word was foreign. My first website would profess that “happiness is a choice”.
I now know differently.

Hindsight is a funny thing. Now that I know depression, I realize that I was suffering back then. I lived a hidden life. The one you knew was a lie. Trust me, it takes a lot of energy to live a lie. A lot.

I was not ready to take a hard look at what I had become and the path I decided to follow. It was easier to pretend. Pretend to be happy. Pretend to understand. Pretend that I would figure it out.

I did try to get help. In the midst of living the lie, I sought out counseling. I was told to spend some time with my friends and everything would be fine. The fact that I still believe that counselling is important and powerful is a miracle.

I’m pretty sure that my mom knew what would happen. She had a gift. She was insightful and perceptive. She knew that I could not continue to live the way I was, without severe consequences. So she left. Or rather she escaped. I helped her. It was not right for her to be trapped in an unhealthy situation. She deserved better.

I think it was a year later that I began my new life. I was so busy trying to navigate the unknown territory that I suppressed dealing with what was.

What caused Pandora’s box to unseal? Meeting my best friend. Losing my mom. Getting older.

I believed that my depression began with losing my mom. Once again I was so wrong. My depression has lived with me for such a long time. So very long.

This is not a sad story.
Acknowledgment is powerful.
What happens next is a mystery, but I know that I will move forward with my eyes open.

Open your eyes. ❤️

Sending love to you and yours, Giselle Betancourt McInroy