Happiness

There was a time that I always felt happy. Life had its challenges, but I could always find a bright point. Even when things felt out of control, I would process the situation, break it down and devise a solution. That was me. That Giselle is gone. 

At times, I find it difficult to recognize the person who I see reflected in the mirror. I clearly see her battle scars. I look into her eyes hoping to see a glimmer of her past. I am met with vacancy. She looks numb. 

I know that my life is divided into two fragments.  Before she died, and after she died. I knew that this would happen. I knew that a fundamental change would take place after she died. Looking back, I know that there was no way to protect myself from what was to come.  

Time does not go backwards. Living in the past, wishing for a different outcome is stupid. And yet I fight with What if, on a daily basis.  You would think that forgiving would be easier than the constant weight that comes from blame. I am comfortable punishing myself. I know that it is not healthy, but it is what it is.

There is red in my ledger, is a statement heard often in Avenger movies. This line best describes how I feel. Juliet Betancourt would disagree with everything I just wrote. She did not see me this way, but she was a heck of a lot nicer than I am. 

I am on pause. There is nothing to go back too, moving forward seems wrong and taking the steps towards healing feels like a betrayal. Writing feels like the only action that makes sense. I will continue to write about the ugly, the challenges, the fear, the sadness, and the hope. I will write to show others that they are not alone.